Want

In our growth, it is important to move through to the stage where you can say, “I want,” and be ok with asking for and getting what you want.This is the stage where you find out that it is all right to have what you need and want.  People often bypass this stage because of shame, believing that to want something is to be selfish. However, you must go through this stage in order to get to the next stage.If you cannot take care of yourself and get what you need, you are always at the effect of others.  Your nourishment (whatever kind it is) is always outside of your control, and this will make you needy, a victim, insecure and anxious.Once you can firmly, quietly, and easily take care of yourself, once you have arrived at meeting your own needs and are the source of your own nourishment, once you are securely settled in “I want,” you are ready for a bigger and even more fulfilling want.I call it “want for us.” When your needs are met, when you are not needy, you can become a source for others and focus on the “wants for us.”If you think of a continuum that begins at neediness, then moves to self-sufficiency, and finally into “want for us,” you can see the possibility: “My needs are met, but I want to participate in the fulfillment of the larger group of people—family, business, organization, friends, etc.  I can even talk to others about what I ‘want for us’ and be curious about what they ‘want for us.’”We become more collectively powerful as a group when we move from a group of needy people to a group of people who can ask for what they want, but the power goes up exponentially when we shift from “want for me” to “want for us.”Try this over the holidays.  Assess you level of engagement and ask yourself before some holiday event the questions that will support you:

• Am I needing something from this event?  What do I feel I need from others?  How does it feel to need something from others in order to enjoy my holiday?  How could I take responsibility for getting what I need?
• What do I want from this event?  What will make it meaningful for me?  How can I ask for what I want and provide for my own nourishment?

And if you are ready for “want for us”:

• What do I “want for us”?  What kind of collective experience do I want us to have?  How can I create an environment that gives us that collective experience?  What do others “want for us”? (Ask others and engage their help.)

See what you can do to upgrade your holiday experience.  This can be a challenging time and also a time for growth and expansion.