Why Your Last Self-Help Seminar Didn't Work
I often see people who attend our workshops who have tried “almost everything” to change an unwanted behavior. These people are often very stressed out and frustrated, feeling hopeless that their lives can change.
The reality is they can make lasting change in their lives but the key to lasting change is addressing the foundation of the behavior you want to change. Only then can you change. (See Seth Godin’s blog post on bad behavior.)
In twenty two years of working with people I have noticed two distinct behavioral patterns in people; habitual patterns and patterns based on coping mechanisms. Each of these requires a different strategy to change.
Habitual patterns are the easier to change. You simply recognize the pattern you want to change, pick a new pattern or behavior and practice it. Conventional wisdom suggests that after a period of practicing the new pattern for 35 days it becomes the new pattern.
Unfortunately many of our behavioral patterns are much more deeply rooted than that and are not changed simply by an intellectual exercise. There is only one way to change these behavior patterns that I call coping mechanisms.
Coping mechanisms can be recognized because they are patterns in our life that are not serving us in some way and when we want to change them we find ourselves unable to. Often we are not even aware of them until something “bad” happens. Examples might be:
Maintaining relationships with an emotionally unavailable partner
Regular episodes of explosive anger
Chronic worry or stress
Unhealthy habits like carrying extra weight or addictive behavior
Disconnection from children or other important people in you life
Long-term patterns of feeling of lonely or depressed
A desire to control or manipulate
If you have tried to change a behavior without success the pattern is most likely a coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are held in place by deep seated and often hidden emotional pain. The ONLY way to change a coping mechanism is to identify and release the underlying emotional pain. Once the pain is released the behavior changes naturally.
I use a technique that is easily learned that identifies the underlying emotions such as fear, sadness, shame, guilt and/or anger and releases them. These emotions are often tied to a childhood experience. Once the emotions are released the behavior can be addressed.
Yes, I know many people resist this process of feeling these feelings and the memories associated with them. We often want the quick fix, the intellectual answer. Unfortunately the key to lasting change is through these feelings.
In future postings we will describe the 6 stages of transformational change that we use to address coping mechanisms and the underlying causes of them.
Related Articles: Why Self-Help Usually Doesn’t Work … and What Always Does by Morty Lefkoe