Just the Way You Want It

I was a carpenter for part of my life.  When building a house we always gave great attention to getting the foundation solid, dependable, indestructible, and very level, because the whole rest of the project depended on it.  It also needed to fit the house we were building and what the homeowners needed.Everything needs a foundation.  Foundations allow us to build and create.Relationships need a foundation, if we build without one, the whole thing is shaky.When I work with a couple, it is so interesting to try to get to the bottom, the foundation, of their relationship. Most of us have no idea what that is.  If we do have an idea, it often comes out of a concept of entanglement, burden, responsibility, obligation, etc.When we build a relationship on no foundation, it is often very confusing or unstable.When we build a relationship on entanglement or obligation, it often feels heavy.In order to create a joyful, empowering, light, happy, supportive relationship, we need a different foundation.  Even if you have grown and changed yourself, but you have not changed the foundation of your relationship, you will struggle.  Imagine you are building a new house on an old foundation, how much room is there to create and innovate.  Imagine creating a new house on no foundation.When I am working with a couple who is growing and liberating themselves individually, and they ask me what kind of foundation they could use, I often recommend this one:Look each other in the eyes and say to the other person:“I want you to have your life just the way you want it. I know you have the power to make it that way, and I want you to do whatever you need to do make that true.”It is wonderful and loving to want the other person to have their life the way they want it, it is liberating and potentially terrifying to have permission and encouragement.It is inspiring to see the strength and capacity in another person, and to have it seen in you.It is amazing to be with someone who is empowered to make his or her dreams come true, and it is extraordinary to have the support and to feel that much love and acceptance.What would your fears be in this kind of relationship?Make a list of all the problems that might arise with this approach.Make a list of all the potential benefits that might come with this approach.How would you have to grow to be able to hold this kind space for your partner?