Connecting

I often hear people talking about wanting to feel a connection with others, with family, friends, partners, co-workers, etc.  How do you connect with other people?For connection to happen, there has to be a flow, meaning something moving from one place to another.  I like the metaphor of electricity.  For current to flow, there has to be a positive and a negative pole, like on a battery.  How does this flow or polarity work with people?The polarity in people has to do with giving and receiving.  We create connection when one person is providing something and the other person is receiving it, like DC (direct current in a battery).  We can also feel connection when there is giving and receiving simultaneously or in parallel, as when we are giving or receiving together.But first lets look at the basic connection, giving and receiving.You may have noticed that in some of your relationships connection is primarily one way, meaning that you are either the giver or the receiver most of the time.  You may find that this can sometimes feel out of balance.  For example, if you are always giving without receiving, you may find that the only way you know how to connect with this person is through giving.  If you are stuck in giving, it is good to break out of that pattern and practice receiving or learn to give in a healthy manner.  Unskillful giving is harmful to the giver and receiver.Oddly, in our culture, we tend to feel more comfortable giving than receiving.  Many people I work with feel like they are giving from an empty tank.  This is not a sustainable situation and needs to be corrected.  First we need to learn how to fill our own tanks.  One of the ways to do this is to practice and set up situations in which we can receive.If you are used to always giving, you may be surprised to learn that there is an equally beautiful and different quality of connection with another person when you receive.I love to be around people who are excellent receivers.  When you offer them something of value, they love it, appreciate it, use it, benefit from it, and share it with others.  I feel a deep connection with these people, in their successes and in their wins.  I also love it when someone really sees me and gracefully offers me something that I value.  With these people, too, I feel a deep connection and they with me.We need to learn and practice receiving, and through this practice we can actually receive more of what is offered.  I see this in my coaching.  I actually teach my clients to become more receptive, and as they get better at it, they receive more benefit from the coaching.  This does not mean that they become undiscerning.  It’s more that they can better direct me toward what they need so that they can receive it and receive it fully. They can grow and shine in the receiving and become great receivers.The more we learn to receive, the better we get at giving or offering.  We are more in touch with ourselves and less in need, so we can give more freely.  As this cycle goes on, we deepen our abilities to connect with others and the benefits we receive by creating balanced relationships of giving and receiving.  We learn to ask for what we really need and hear better what others need.  Mastering both giving and receiving are core principals of the Inquiry Method.The better we get at giving and receiving, and as others around us improve, we can create special relationships where both are going on at the same time; for example in love making or cooking together, or at work when there is a special creative synergy.  We can master this flow of energy that is like AC current (where electrons flow back and forth at a very high rate).We can also experience connection with others when we are flowing in parallel, as when doing shared giving, caring together for a sick relative, or doing something philanthropic.  Connection is also present during shared receiving, like going to an experience together, being classmates, receiving awards or accolades, etc.If you feel a lack of connection or a desire for more, get good at healthy giving (not giving self away), or become brilliant at receiving (asking for what you need and showing your gratitude), or find a situation where you can give with others (maybe the food bank or team up to teach something you have mastered), or get with others to receive (take a class or come to the Mountain Experience).We need the feeling of connection, it is a basic human desire that we can and should master the skills needed to feel connected with others.  It is part of what it means to be an effective human being.(Note:  If you have heard me talk about entanglement, see if you can feel the difference between connection and giving yourself away.  How can you define the difference?  How can you connect without giving yourself away?)What is one thing you could do today to feel connected?