What Does The Emotion Want?

Mostly we see our “negative” emotions as obstacles.  Fear, sadness, anger, guilt, etc., are seen as in the way of being rational and acting appropriately.

What if they held an inner gift, a message that would change the way you see things?

Emotions are functions of caring about something. They are reactions to not getting what you want (or in the case of “positive” emotions, getting what you want). With inquiry you can trace emotions back to the values they represent.

One of the benefits of identifying the values that the emotions represent is that it can change your communication in a dramatic way.

The following example can apply equally in the home or the workplace. After reading the example, try to do one of your own inquiries about some emotion you experienced at home, at work, or in some other area of your life.

Example: Let’s say that your partner decided to work instead of coming home for dinner and you felt anger. You could think, “That jerk, she does not care about me or the family.” Then your anger can fester, and when she comes home you can share your anger with her, letting her know what a jerk she is, and how selfish she is, and that she does not care for the family.

Or, you can do some inquiry. You can ask yourself what is behind your anger (this may seem obvious but we don’t normally do it). At first it may seem like your anger is because that person didn’t do what they were “supposed” to do, but if you inquire deeper, you may find, as in the example above, that you really wanted her there, that you value family so much that when she is not there, it doesn’t feel complete. Or maybe you were excited to share something that happened with her, or…When you get to the truth it is hard to stay angry, because at the base you see that you are angry because you love that person or you love the feeling of the family.

When you communicate the truth, you get a different result. Which do you believe is better communication: “You jerk, you don’t care about us” or “I felt angry when you didn’t come home because I love having you here so much”? Which do you think would get the best result? Focusing on what you care about will make a difference in your inner well-being.

Behind every “negative” emotion is something you care about. The stronger the emotion, the more you care. I call this process of inquiry “What does the emotion want?” Whenever you feel a strong emotion, try to practice asking this question on a deeper and deeper level until you can get to the source. Astoundingly, the answer is always love. You will not have strong emotional reactions unless you love something. Anger, fear, sadness, or guilt always have love at their root.

This is just as true in your workplace. Your anger or upset is the guide to communicating and sharing your values within your organization. You just have to go through your emotions to get to the other side and communicate what is most important to you.

It is much more powerful to stay in the perspective of what you care about and what you want rather than your habituated reaction to the emotion. You will get much better results with others and yourself when you reground in what the emotion wants.

Try some inquiry, maybe there is something you have been or are currently emotional about.Ask yourself, “What does the emotion want”?Go deeper and deeper until you get to what you really care about. Communicate it with the people involved from a place of caring and love. See if you get a different result.