“If I can’t fail, why try”?

I work with a lot of people who have adult children who struggle with seeing their children failing to thrive in their lives. It is a pattern that gets set in childhood and then perpetuates until the contract is broken.The contract that is set up is “I won’t let you fail” and it hurts all of us on many levels. I saw it in a restaurant the other day. A son wanted something out of the car, father gives him the keys to go get it, then follows him out, watches him, then go helps him. This may seem innocuous, but I am sure it happens every day, the boy never has to problem solve or to come ask for help or anything and this pattern gets set down in him.I call this “If I can’t fail why try?”, it means that I am being pattered to get helpless when I want something because it has always worked for me in the past. Failure teaches us to try. Failure is there to help us succeed.If you can start early letting your child fail, fail a lot. Let them find out how to succeed and what is not worth succeeding at. This way too they find out what they care about. Let them fall and stub their toes, learn to get cold and wear a jacket, let them get hungry and ask for food, let them not know what to say, buy their own ice cream, not put the puzzle together….As your child gets older talk to them about their emancipation, make a plan for their independence. I love the story of one client who in their children’s senior year of high school helps them decorate the Christmas Tree with all new ornaments so that they will have decorations in their new house. What a clear message.This is not about abandoning our children it is about inspiring them, seeing in them the power and ability to succeed. You can help them to go to school, get training, buy a house, or start a business, but make sure they know and most importantly believe in, a limitation. “If I can’t fail why try?”Playing without a net focuses the intention.