How to Be a Good Listener and Friend

Probably the number one complaint I get from people who have learned Inquiry Method is that none of their friends know how to listen to them.  It is a contrast because before Inquiry Method, they were just used to it.In most conversations, one person talks a little bit about themselves, or what they think or saw or heard, then the other person responds about themselves and what they think or saw or heard.  It is a nice way of taking turns talking about ourselves.  We give our opinions, our thoughts, our feelings, or we try to get the other person to think or feel how we want them to feel.  The quality of most conversations are quite narcissistic.One of the reasons we do this is because we just want to be heard and seen; we also want to project an image of who we are to the other person so that we can be seen and appreciated or valued.We all just want to be seen.Unfortunately, these conversations are ultimately unsatisfying if I have something going on that I am trying to share.When I have something troubling going on with me, mostly I am wanting to share it so that I can get it out, maybe move through the emotion or change my mind about something.  What I really want is for the other person to listen.To be a good friend, listen.  Don’t give your spin on what is happening.To be a good friend, ask questions that will deepen your understanding.  Don’t tell me how I should feel about it.Usually, I have actually thought a lot about what is happening, and I want for the person I’m conversing with to help me get it all out.  I don’t want them to tell me a story about what happened to them.When listening to another, get the details, flesh it out, be curious.  Often times your questions will help them notice something about the situation they hadn’t seen yet.  Don’t feel sorry for them.Hold the space for them to recognize their emotions.  Don’t try to get them to feel differently.Ask them about what their choices are, or the solutions they have come up with.  Be interested and respectful.  You don’t have to solve anything.The more present you are for others, the deeper they can go.  Take the time to set yourself aside and be there for them.  There is a good chance they will do it for you next time.Reserve your opinion or ideas until you really know what they are talking about, you have heard everything they to say, and you have asked all the questions.If you have something that you feel may be really useful, share it in the form of a question.  Let them respond to it, and then really listen to their response.  Try to see what the world looks like from their vantage point.There are times when we all need the kind of friend who can just listen.This takes practice.  It is not how we usually operate.  If you are willing to be disciplined about it, you will be amazed at the impact it has on people.To my friends who practice inquiry in friendships:Thank you for being such good friends, for making the effort to set yourself aside to listen to me, and for taking the time out of your life to just be present for me.  It is a gift in this often-complicated world, where we have so much dialogue and thoughts going on inside our heads, where we can feel so separate, to feel that someone has really listened to and seen our inner world.Here is to friends.  Cheers!