Appendix A: Your Mind and Inquiry

This section is taken right from the Life At Altitude Book

Your Mind and Inquiry

A mind that’s coming from inquiry is essentially empty. It isn’t forming thoughts or judgments about what is going on, but instead is objectively noticing what is going on.

Being in a state of inquiry is similar to having the curiosity of a little child. These children are so carefree because they’re in a constant state of inquiry, curiosity, and wonder. They’re always asking “why?” simply because they’re interested in learning. Over time, however, they start to develop a mind-set which shuts down learning and openness, and in turn affects their experience of themselves and the world. Once you start to notice the clutter of thoughts in your mind, you begin to see how it’s useless; in fact, all it does is distract from your present experience of being.

Where do thoughts come from? The majority come from everything that surrounds us, from our environment, our parents, media, friends, family, and culture. In order to begin the process of unthinking your thoughts and removing judgment, try this activity: Set aside all your beliefs, thoughts, and judgments about another person, and use inquiry and curiosity to explore with them what it’s like to be them. And it doesn’t just have to be a person: you can do the same thing with any inanimate object, such as a tree or your car. For your car, reflect on how much more you enjoyed your car when you first got it. Remember the first few days of having this new car, exploring it, and enjoying the novelty, enjoying the details.

We introduced some thoughts and beliefs in the beginning of the book and wanted to address them and talk about how thinking in such ways affects our experience of life. Here are several examples, and corresponding flaws in their logic:

It’s our parents’ job to turn us into who we will become.

If this were true, then one set of parents would produce the same child repeatedly. The truth is that every child comes out different and every child has a unique personality and destiny and life to live. This idea that it’s our parents’ job to shape and form us creates tremendous suffering, as we alluded to earlier in the book.

We can’t get over things that happen to us.

This is a terrible and devastating thought, personally and culturally. This thought implies that once we experience pain, we’re stuck with it. If this were true, it would make victims of us all. We would become victims to other people, become victims to life, victims to everything. It’s proven time and time again, though, that we’re not victims of our past or our circumstances; that we can rise above any circumstances that come into our lives. We need not be victim to anyone, including ourselves. Using the tools of letting go we can free ourselves from any experience that we’ve ever had.

End results are more important than the processes that bring us there.

This can also be said as “the end justifies the means”; this is a terrible and destructive thought. Our life is lived in the process, but our minds and our culture want us to think that it’s lived in the end results. If you live for end results, you will have brief moments of glory and a lifetime of seeking. If you live in the process, you will have the presence of satisfaction and a lifetime of experiencing.

I am my thoughts and beliefs.

If I am my thoughts and my beliefs, that means if I change my thoughts or my beliefs then I am no longer me. Part of the process of Inquiry Method is the recognition that my existence isn’t tied to my thoughts and beliefs; that I’m free from what I think and what I believe. This freedom allows me to recognize the consciousness that is me and to have agency over how I interpret the world.

Meaning in life is associated with status and accumulation.

It’s clear that there are people with a lot of things and a lot of money that are unhappy. It’s also very clear that there are many people who have very little and are also very happy. It’s irrational for us to associate happiness and material possession. You only have to travel to India or South America, or maybe just down the road, to find that people can be profoundly happy with very little.

I’m in a relationship to get my needs met.

Physical touch and connection are basic human needs; we all have to have these needs met to be healthy. However, beyond this, if we’re in a relationship to get our needs met, it’s a fundamentally unhealthy relationship. This is the significance of the levels and the I/we barrier and the fact that we’re not fully adult until we’re whole within ourselves. Until we’re whole within ourselves, we should not even raise children because we pass on our voids, pain, and lack of self-worth to them. Most conflict in relationships is the struggle to get our needs met. You’re much better off meeting your own needs than trying to get someone else to do it for you. If you’re in a relationship to get your needs met, you’re probably going to be very disappointed. If you’ve created an abundance within yourself and you’re ready to share your gifts and offer your capacity to another person, then that’s when you’re ready for a relationship. A relationship is a want for us, not a need. It’s intended to give our love for something larger than us, but not to get our needs met.

My job is to control myself and others.

In Inquiry method, the process of control is a mind-based way of relating to self and other. It uses the tool of judgment and beliefs to try to turn us or someone else into a decent person. The thoughts or words associated with control are words like “should,” “shouldn’t,” “have to,” “ought to,” which are shame- based phrases. Unfortunately, if you think about how you respond when someone else is trying to control you, you may find that your first reaction is resistance. This works the same whether it’s coming from inside or outside. There’s simple tool that allows you to determine if you’re are being controlling—someone is resisting. Resistance is a 100 percent sign that you’re being controlling. There is no resistance without control. Absolutely reliable.

The opposite of control is creativity. For me, to get myself to exercise or diet or whatever it is, I have to create a better story than the one I’m living that actually inspires and engages me. It’s the same with anybody else. My guess is that if you make a date to exercise or workout with your best friend, you are going to be much more likely to do it. I support my clients with this, especially with regard to controlling themselves, by forcing them to make every decision based on “want to” or “don’t want to” rather than “should” or “have to” and the like. They’re not allowed to say, think, or believe any concept besides “want to” or “don’t want to.” Believe it or not, when I really check in, they all want to pay their taxes.

I’m not living up to my potential.

One of the great, yet detrimental, ideas of our culture is the idea of potential. Although it was created with positive intentions, it has become a concept that humans use heavily against themselves and others. I’ve worked with countless people who’ve told me that they had not met or realized their potential. They shared that everyone told them how much potential they had, and they felt that they had not lived up to it. The truth is, you’ve perfectly realized your potential in every moment you’ve ever lived. There’s no possibility that you can go back and do it any better than you already have. Potential isn’t in what you could have done or what you could be doing now: it only exists in the future.

Even worse in our culture is the idea that you can be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do. The idea is that the only limitations are our industry and our willingness to apply ourselves and work hard. It’s simply not true: each one of us has our own destiny, capacity, interests, and motivations. When we compare ourselves to the most “successful” people and tell ourselves that we would be just like them if we worked harder or tried harder, we’re acting insane. In reality, so much of what happens in our life comes from luck or circumstance, both internal and external. The idea that we can be better than we are is simply silly. Let’s stop trying to be more than we are and just accept ourselves for who we are. Let’s see what kind of life we can create when we simply accept ourselves.

This is something that everyone should try. The truth is, you will be more successful, happier, and at peace if you stop driving into your “potential” and start accepting yourself exactly as you are.

I’m responsible for how I turn out.

See response to I’m not living up to my potential.

Emotions and emotional pain are bad.

In most of our childhoods, our parents didn’t know how to deal with our emotional pain or feelings. Because of this, they decided that they didn’t want to hear them, feel them, or experience them. Although this stemmed from their own internal issues, we would feel their resistance or disapproval. As a culture in general, this has caused us to turn against our emotional pain and feelings, to try to suffocate them instead of feeling them. This isn’t the most effective solution. By paying attention to and looking into our feelings, we can use them to find what is best for us and keep us on the path. If we start listening to our pain, we find it can be a useful guide. If we pay attention, we will find that pain isn’t our enemy but instead is our best friend and biggest supporter.

Life is against me.

Belief is a powerful subject when you really think about it. It means operating your life around an idea that’s unprovable. It’s interesting to look into why humans evolved into believing rather than simply operating based on what they could prove. Belief allows us to interpret life in a way that supports us beyond what we can see or experience. I use my belief to experiment by sampling beliefs from different cultures and using them as guides. The way that I decide whether the belief is useful or not is simple: by seeing whether it makes my life better or worse. If it improves it, I will adopt this belief, simply because that perspective improves my life.

We can choose to believe that the world is against us and wants to annihilate us and beat us down. Try that belief on and see how it changes your experience of life. Do the same with many other ideas until you find the one that improves your life the most. Personally, I like the idea that our soul is here on the planet to grow and develop. I also like the idea that our souls come back many times, in many different forms. This does two things for me. One, it gives me an orientation around growing through the difficulties that present themselves. It helps me to see the difficulties in life as challenges, like my life is a game or a puzzle and I have to overcome each obstacle. Secondly, the belief that we have many lives offers me the opportunity to not expect perfection in this lifetime. I have no evidence that either of these beliefs are true- that’s what makes them beliefs. But the more I follow them, the more I realize I don’t need any evidence to proceed in this way. I find that the most important thing is that, until I find another belief that serves me better or the ultimate truth, I will continue to play the game with my current beliefs and approach.

I have to give to get.

There’s actually some truth in the idea of having to give to get, simply because it’s human nature. When we look at the levels of participation, we can see that this is the basic principle of the exchange level; however, this is only one level of our development. We get stuck in this level and it creates resentment and traps us in upsetting and frustrating situations. At the lower levels, we think that the best thing in the world is to be loved; as we grow, however, we realize that loving is the greatest feeling that we can have.

As we grow past this level, we first start to experience that we create in order to get. Then as we grow more, it becomes less important for us to get, and more important for us to give. Ultimately, we stop believing we’re here to be loved, and start thinking we’re here to be love. When we get here, the last step is to stop trying to be love and recognize that we already are the source of love.

Even deeper into this idea is thinking about what material things we’re trying to get. We’re trying so hard to get money and titles and accomplishments and material items that we don’t recognize how empty these things are. It isn’t like we need to completely rid ourselves of these materials; instead, we just have to recognize that these things don’t bring us happiness. Alternatively, we need to recognize that every material we have takes a certain toll on us and on our energy when it requires updating and maintenance. As we learn this and grow more, we recognize happiness doesn’t come from getting, but comes from our relationships, our connections, and our love.

Misunderstanding about what love is.

One of the great ills of our society is a misunderstanding about what love is. We think that love is a commodity, that it’s about sharing someone else’s pain or rescuing or saving someone else. We tend to see love as an entanglement, a sacrifice, the sharing of pain or suffering or negativity, the sense that we need someone else’s love to be ok. This is an unhealthy form of love. In fact, this idea fundamentally weakens the concept of love.

The quality of love is light. The quality of love is free. The quality of love is encouragement and empowerment. Love doesn’t entangle; it heals. Love doesn’t possess; it appreciates. Love doesn’t obligate; it frees. Love doesn’t judge or control; it accepts and encourages.

Putting behaviors or experiences into categories of good and bad.

There’s obviously a part of all us that wants to put things into categories of good and bad. One of the many problems with this is the fact that our ego is doing the categorizing, and our ego has no real idea of what serves us in the long run. It has such a limited view that it has no idea about the big picture.

There’s a great Chinese story about a man whose son breaks his leg and goes through iterations of the positives and the negatives of the situation. You can view this story at https://youtu.be/OX0OARBqBp0 . The story shows that good and bad is beyond our limited understanding. It reveals that holding on to expectation doesn’t help us, and only keeps us constantly judgmental and unable to accept and to flow.

When I first heard this concept, I had the misconception that losing the judgment of good and bad would just make everything neutral, boring, and gray. I was surprised to find that it was completely different, if not the opposite. I learned that when we lose distinction and just accept things as they are, we start to recognize that life is a miracle and a wonder. We see that out of nothing, a huge complexity of life was formed. Freedom, gratitude, and appreciation come with losing the definition of good and bad, allowing us to engage in life in a different way.

I highly encourage you to try to lose your judgment between good and bad, and instead just show up for the process of life. You will find yourself developing your consciousness and using your deepest source to lead you.

Things that happen outside of me make me feel a certain way.

Our language often reveals our prejudice when we say things like “I feel upset because.” Whenever we externalize the cause of any of our feelings, and say that an outside force caused them, we become victims. We’re now victims of life, because we can’t change anything that’s external.

Part of what we’re doing through Inquiry Method is identifying that our feelings are actually caused by internal forces. We recognize that our feelings aren’t based on someone else’s actions, but instead on our own judgments of ourselves. The work is intended to stop us from saying things such as “I’m upset because,” and become in charge of our feelings. It’s used to help us recognize that we’re not upset because of some external situation, but actually because of something within. When someone feels upset or angry, we shouldn’t ask what external thing happened; instead, we should use inquiry to learn why it affected them so much. Being able to fully participate in life leads to a wonder and openness that was not there when we were victims of life. This leads us into a freer, more abundant, and more self-responsible relationship with life.

I’m a victim of my circumstances.

Victimhood is a mainstay of our culture, and many of us aren’t aware of how poisonous or destructive it can be. In fact, if you pay attention to conversations and interactions, you will often notice one common thread in all of them: that everyone is racing and competing for who is the biggest victim, who has had it the worst, and had the worst issues, and had the biggest difficulties. The problem is, when we value victimhood by valuing the person with the biggest problems the most, we start looking for ways that we’re victims ourselves. We go through the day looking for evidence to support the story that our life is so hard, all the times that another person took advantage of us, all the times where we got unlucky.

Because of this, we begin to subconsciously look for ways to make bad things happen. We can see it in the news: when there’s a disaster, the focus is on the ones who had the biggest problems. You can see it in our legal system: a lawsuit is simply making yourself seem like the biggest victim to obtain the most resources. On a smaller scale, look at how victimhood is valued in your family. You may find that everyone at the dining table, or at a family gathering, is competing to be the biggest victim.

Isn’t it time that we stop being victims? Isn’t it time to take responsibility for everything that comes into our lives? When you take responsibility for life, you will go through it more smoothly, and will embrace the challenge. It’s your choice whether you’re a victim or the hero of your own story.

The idea that I’m bad or not good enough.

I’ve heard that when the Dali Lama first came to the United States to work with Westerners, it took him six months to understand how to do so. He said that after six months, he came to the realization that all Westerners feel that there’s something bad, broken, or just not good about themselves. He said that it was an interesting contrast from his world and culture. He shared that, excluding those with mental illness, it was uncommon for people in his culture to feel that way. In our culture, we’re trained to automatically believe that there’s something wrong with us. This is ultimately manifested by the misconception that it’s our parents’ job to turn us into something. We don’t trust our inner nature, and so we believe we’re incapable of self-care. If you’ve travelled to certain areas, you may have noticed that other cultures don’t have this barrier. Because those people were not raised within the Western ideal, you can see a great innocence and openness among them. The good news is that we can get back to this place of innocence and openness, and we can lose the judgment on ourselves.