Loneliness

Loneliness can be such a poignant factor in modern life; perhaps it developed evolutionarily to keep us in the safety of groups and to bring us together despite the challenge of being part of a group. I suspect that loneliness was not much of a factor in pre-history.I believe it has become a bigger factor in modern life as we have become more separated from each other and many of us have lost the experience of growing up within a close community; perhaps we yearn for that in some ways.It's important that we learn to work with our loneliness because it can deeply affect us mentally, emotionally and even physically. At one level loneliness is asking us to create and participate in community, at this level we must listen to it and use that feeling to overcome the fear and resistance of participating with others. Depending on your personality this may come naturally or with difficulty but we can all learn to practice and develop the ability to connect with others.On as second deeper level we can work with loneliness by developing a deeper, more accepting, more loving relationship with ourselves; being able to be with and enjoy being with ourselves is a very important capacity. Again depending on your personality this may come naturally or easily but you can still learn this capacity regardless of your personality.If we are carrying loneliness from the past this will greatly effect our relationship with it; in the present loneliness is not overwhelming, just a sense that we would like to commune with others. If we are carrying the weight of childhood loneliness as emotional pain it can feel very strong indeed. Identifying and letting this go is critical to our well-being and for working with the feelings of loneliness.Loneliness can also impact our patterns of primary relationships. For example if I find a partner and commit to them to solve my loneliness I have set the foundation for later problems. If I have partnered to fix the problem of loneliness it may feel like it has gone away during the infatuation phase of the relationship, I may have the feeling that my loneliness is solved. However as the relationship evolves over time there will be stages where I will not feel like my partner is “completing me”, fixing my loneliness and I am likely to blame my partner for “not being there for me” or that they have let me or the relationship down.This resurgence of loneliness may happen as a partner gets more involved in their career or when a child or children are born, or even as the children leave the home. If I have married or bonded to solve my loneliness these changes may bring about conflict and dissolution of the relationship. This process can also extend to other reasons for bonding with another person, if I don’t feel like I am enough, or good enough, or don’t like myself, or… any reason I bond with another to fix a lack in me sets the seeds for the feeling of betrayal or let down in a relationship.At one level we must learn and grow to be whole within ourselves to cure our loneliness while at another we must let the natural aspect of loneliness guide us to create satisfying bonding relationships with others and participate in community. We all must heal the relationship we have with ourselves so that we can also be with others in a healthy way. In the same way other feelings of lack within us can guide us to cleaning up the other lacks and pains that keep us from feeling whole and interfere with our connection with others.What do you need to clean up in yourself to be whole within yourself and to fully participate and be with others? Everything is Waiting for You-David WhyteYour great mistake is to act the dramaas if you were alone. As if lifewere a progressive and cunning crimewith no witness to the tiny hiddentransgressions. To feel abandoned is to denythe intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,even you, at times, have felt the grand array;the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowdingout your solo voice You must notethe way the soap dish enables you,or the window latch grants you freedom.Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.The stairs are your mentor of thingsto come, the doors have always been thereto frighten you and invite you,and the tiny speaker in the phoneis your dream-ladder to divinity.Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease intothe conversation. The kettle is singingeven as it pours you a drink, the cooking potshave left their arrogant aloofness andseen the good in you at last. All the birdsand creatures of the world are unutterablythemselves. Everything is waiting for you.-- David Whytefrom Everything is Waiting for You ©2003 Many Rivers Press