Inquiry Question #12: Dealing With Anger

When we are faced with another person's hostility, we typically get quiet, perhaps explaining or defending, or we push back with anger of our own. Rarely do these strategies get good results.It is quite satisfying to take a different approach that in most cases diffuses the situation and actually and surprisingly can create more closeness and good feeling.The simple question is: “Are you angry with me?”This question is best presented in a non-emotional tone with genuine curiosity and openness.There is a whole spectrum of possible responses including:

• I am not angry with you; I am angry with the situation - now you are off the hook and can talk together about what is happening.
• Yes, I don’t like that you…—now you at least understand what is really upsetting them, and you can talk about it, their relief will be immediate when they get it off their chest.
• They may just stop in their tracks and totally change their energy—sometimes people don’t notice what they are doing and when you ask about it, change their tune.
• They may apologize and meet you and see you as a person—making unconscious behavior conscious gives them a choice.

In a similar vein, I was talking to someone at a doctor's office the other day, and they were crabby and short with me, I asked them “how are you doing today, are you ok?”, (IQ #9) they told me they were having a hard day, they recognized their behavior and changed it immediately and now every time I see them they are happy to see me and recognize my caring for them.The problem is we get lost in our own world and forget to be open and curious. This is the challenge of inquiry, it is so simple but can be so challenging to remember. Inquiry gives amazing results. As we commit to inquiry in our lives, it forces us to grow by finding the places of constriction in us and letting them go. This commitment takes great focus and intent and brings with it the rewards of deeper and more genuine connection with ourselves and with others.