Video Blog: Staying In Connection Through Conflict
*Disclaimer: Olivia's video is really shaky but Kyle's is great and he does most of the talking.
In under 10 minutes, Kyle walks us through a simple exercise that can change how you navigate conflict with anyone in your life, a spouse, partner, colleague, or friend. This communication tool will teach you how to stop saying things in "the heat of the moment" and damaging your relationships.
Check out the full video and some main points of our discussion below.
Key Take-Aways:
We haven’t learned how to have conflict without being egoically attached.
The problem in conflict is that one person has a position and wants to get the other person to take on their position. This creates a situation where both people are tied to their position, their ego, and their defense. This is a triggered, intellectual, controlling level.
It helps to remember in a conflict that we all basically want the exact same things. Although we want the same things, we have conflict because we have different ways to get there. We all want love, connection, joy, relaxation, peace, beauty, adventure, and excitement. We just have trouble reconciling how to do those things together.
The more in conflict I am with someone the more I care about that person. If I don’t care about you, I’m neutral or ambivalent. The death of a relationship is in boredom and lack of interest, not in conflict. Conflict is the mirror of care and interest.
To resolve a conflict between two people, at least one party has to decide to be in a non-triggered state. Otherwise, no one will be heard. It will just be both people trying to get their own view heard while never penetrating the other person’s defenses.
The reason we are so resistant to hearing the other person in an argument is that we feel like we have to protect ourselves. We don’t want to be impacted by the other person’s position.
And you CAN’T do inquiry without being impacted by the other person. Once you see and feel them, your defenses come down and it detangles the conflict.
The exercise is called “The Talking Stick”. One person holds the talking stick, either a symbolic stick or a real one, and the other person holds the space of inquiry. The inquirer has to get out of their thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and judgments, just to get curious about the other person. Once the inquirer sets all of these aside they are ready to say, “I’m really ready to listen. What’s bothering you? How are you feeling about this?” Then, the other person just empties out and the inquirer just listens and occasionally asks, “And what else?” At the end of the exercise, the person listening just says, “Thank you”. The person listening in the activity may just need to digest what they heard. They can tell the other person that and then the two can pick a time and place to do it the other way. * Avoid giving counterpoints to what the first person shared.
You can set a timer for this activity or just let the person talking empty out. You’ll find when someone is really being heard that it doesn’t take that long for them to speak their peace.
This activity isn’t necessarily for problem-solving. It’s just where each party gets heard. Emptying out your tank can be very powerful for the person sharing and the person listening. If you really hear someone all the way out you can’t help but be moved by them. It often can neutralize the situation.
If neither party can hold space for the other then you need to wait until one of you can. It’s a good practice in a relationship that whenever you get triggered you just remove yourself from the situation and work it out before you come back and try again to communicate.